When two very young broken, in different ways people come together in the bond of matrimony over 20years ago; both from totally different backgrounds, but indeed drawn to one another. Broken in very different ways where it seemed his strengths were my weaknesses and vice /versa. Seemingly so patient and understanding of the endless supply of suitcases I continued to unpack throughout our years. My 3 year old son and 1year old daughter that he happily took on the father role to, never making a difference between them, or the 3 I would later give birth to that are his biologically, they were all ours.
This man that I truly love. Who’d been brave enough to love all of my crazy. 19 years of age; just a boy, who became a Soldier, husband and father. To date, this is the only man I can say I have been in love with. We grabbed ahold of those red flags and waved them as if we were marching in a parade.
Here’s the thing… when you’re young and in love there’s so much you don’t consider. And once you’ve matured, hindsight isn’t always kind.
Looking back I’ve had 3 serious relationships, each resulting in a child, to include my husband; I don’t believe in coincidences, so it’s not lost on me at all that all 3 of these relationships have been with a virgo. My son and daughter their fathers have the same birthday 9/11 my husband’s birthday is 9/4 here’s the thing… I am a libra 9/27 the last persons I should be in relations with is a virgo, yet I keep repeating this.
If there’s anyone who knows why I keep repeating this I would appreciate your advice, opinions, observations e.t.c
BACK TO IT.
There were happy times. I’m a dreamer, an optimist. I lived my marriage defined by these rules. 1. As long as we were together, we could accomplish and conquer anything. 2. Don’t cheat on me. 3. Don’t leave me. 4. I was only getting married once. Till death part’s us, somebody has to die to get out of this ish.
When you’re young you you don’t conceive the multitude of realistic life experiences that will test your spirit and I’m speaking for myself, I can not speak to thoughts or feelings of my husband.
We loved each other passionately, fiercely, bravely, so dysfunctional. But it worked. I trusted him with my life, and the lives of our children, but I kept part of my heart safeguarded. Even though he said all the right things, I couldn’t be totally completely vulnerable with him.
BETRAYAL AND INFIDELITY
How do you define it? Looking back I can see how we both clearly broke us.
I didn’t have chores growing up until high school, then it was on me to clean everything. If my mom found one dirty dish, you washed every single dish in the house ( days before dishwashers) so to say I loathe house work, with an emphasis on the kitchen would be an understatement. My husband knew this going in, we were friends first. I don’t know, maybe it’s one of those things you think will change when you marry someone? It DIDN’T!
Not realizing your greatness should be a crime. I was empty and didn’t know it. I didn’t know I had poor self esteem, was without confidence and had entered what I call “the hole ” my entire worth, value and identity was lost, it had been overshadowed by becoming one of the 6… everywhere I went I was addressed as either one of my 5 children’s mom, or my husbands wife; that became my identity for too long, but my ego took pride in it. Not only was housework not my jam, neither was finances; which my husband let me run since the beginning of our marriage in 1998. My non- strategy was trying to please my family, while keeping everything turned on,and food on the table, that is no way to work your finances, let me tell you. And by 2007 we were filing bankruptcy chapter 13. I learned a lot about my husband going through this. Not telling him about something, to him is the same as lying. I also learned that he was not willing to accept any accountability for our financial downfall, it was all my fault, He played a blind eye approach to anything that cast a negative skew on the family, and this theme would carry on throughout our entire marriage, with a side of let’s throw Veshon under the bus.
So I helped my husband build his career. We were the couple people wanted to be ( from outside appearances) Do not misunderstand me, my husband is an amazing Soldier and Teacher. The 22 years he’s given to and for his Country speaks for itself.
I’m just saying… behind every great leader there’s a greater woman reminding him where his boots are, his keys etc.
His first one year tour to Iraq in 2003 was rough, letters took forever, but I wrote everyday and he wrote me too. The most sweetest love letters and poems. Our calls were only every 3-4 weeks but I waited by the phone. I gave birth to our last child that deployment. About 6 months into it another wife came by and showed me what my husband had been up to in Iraq; Yahoo personals, where he was looking for women in our city and had been conversing with them. There’s always one that hurts more than the others, it was a younger girl who he had an back and forth with about the death of his parents, she’d also lost a parent, but the level of intimacy between the two of them was a level he hadn’t shared with me. I didn’t like it, I was jealous, I felt like I was the other woman, like I wasn’t worthy to be brought in the fold. Then I realized they were in daily contact, but myself and the kids every 3 to 4 weeks. The one man I thought would never do anything like this to me. He’s in another Country, at War and attempting this crap. What’s he been doing on U.S. soil??? Ofcourse he said it was all in fun. He didn’t mean to hurt me. I chose to believe it. Because I needed it to be so. I needed him to be the person I built him up in my head. The person of his letters. The person who wouldn’t cheat.
SECOND DEPLOYMENT IRAQ 2007
I explain my insecurities and fears to my husband. He assures me I have nothing to worry about. The mail is faster, communication is better, I still write and write, because I know he loves receiving letters in the mail. I send packages, whatever he asks for, he gets. 7 month’s or so in the same friend sends me a my space link and low and behold; here we go again he has a page, tricked out with his favorite NFL team, 31 friends, all female; his profile said he was single and looking, he didn’t want any children, and the kicker was he was looking for women within 20 miles from our home. Some of these women were online so I reached out. Some responded by saying they didn’t realize he was married, they would cease all contact with him. Some didn’t respond. Some said they felt sorry for me and that he was an asshole for what he’d been doing on line, but declined to say what went on between the two of them. Then there was one who sent me every single message that they’d had. I was floored to see my husband’s words saying he wishes she could wrap her self up butt naked and mail herself to him. How he planned to spend 3 days with her right before our anniversary. He denied all of it. He only got my space to communicate with me. ( even though he never mentioned to me that he had a account) every one there was doing it. It’s just to pass the time. And that was the end of it. He didn’t want to discuss it any further.
LIFE WENT ON. BUT NOT THE SAME.
The pedestal I’d placed him on no longer existed. In my heart he had been unfaithful over and over again.
I AIN’T NO WALK IN THE PARK
He’s been a rock for me when I’ve needed him. Remember when I said he was brave enough to love all of my crazy ? I was being literal. I am bipolar with A.d.d , at the time severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and undiagnosed PTSD. I’d been on so many different medications unsuccessfully, I was over it. I became addicted to crystal meth and ofcourse it fed the illusions of being stable, I felt cured. My ego loved it. It became my special secret. Until it wasn’t. I won’t go into it, I devoted a post to it, check it out.
My life was out of control. I went to my husband and I confessed. I told him I would tell him everything but he could never tell anyone else. He swore. I trusted him because he wouldn’t let me give up. He fought so hard for us when I was not even fighting. I would say why are you trying so hard to stop me, he would say because I love you. So I trusted him with my truth, with my story, I allowed myself to be totally vulnerable for the first time. And not even a few months later he betrayed me and told my truth to a mutual friends wife, one late night when they were hanging out together, because she was crying about her life and he was trying to make her feel better.
The more I write he sounds like such a dick… but if he is that then I am the big C.
3RD TOUR TO IRAQ
Gonna make it short. There was no trust. I did not believe anything he said. I got a part time job. Found friends, and everytime he would call, he’d belittle me, ” my little job” “my little paycheck ” To make a long story short, but not to down play my role at all; I relapsed, had an affair with a boy at my job half my age and I even got pregnant.
My husband found all of this out on his R&R by going through my computer while I was out picking up dinner, by the way, he found out the same night he arrived home, needless to say, there was no rest or relaxation in our home.
I miscarried the baby. But we managed to work through this. I knew I had broke him. I saw how I had hurt him. He said he forgave me. That we could get through this. I vowed to never hurt him like that again. I regained my sobriety and have never been unfaithful again.
Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs. Since my awakening ive lost my friend. When I try to strike up a conversation with him, it’s as if I’m bothering him, or he’s hand gesturing me to hurry up and finish. There’s no physical intimacy in 2018 we had sex 4 times and 2 of those times he wasn’t able to complete. I know throughout our marriage he had a pornography problem, so I don’t know if it’s that, or if there’s someone else. I’ve asked him to get help to fix the issue for a few years, telling him that I need physical intimacy with him and he says okay, then nothing happens. He holds money over my head. To control me. The sad thing is that he actually said that I wouldn’t succeed. I will fail. He doesn’t believe in the things that are happening to me. Here’s the thing. I didn’t know how to feel about it. The aware me is secure in myself. And doesn’t need him to validate me. I just really felt some type of way because I guess I assumed it would be mutual…
SO HERE I STAND…
I know that I can not flourish in an environment where I am constantly being belittled and criticized.
I need to be in a environment where I am supported and encouraged and loved.
How do I just let go and say goodbye?